I like to find even the smallest things that bring thoughts of happiness to me like remembering times spent with my girlfriend, or just accomplishments that have brought
joy to others. I like to gather up my friends for support, that usually gets me back on track.

Everyday there is a silent War going on with a smoker" The battle a smoker faces is indescribable to a non-smoker. I will attempt to put some light on this, so that there maybe
an understanding as to what we are dealing with.
Early every morning, as soon as your eyes open, the new day of battle begins.
"Gotta have a smoke, gotta have a smoke", is the first order of the day. Nothing stands in the way of this for a smoker.

The first drag"...no, just another cigarette, like a bullet in the chamber.

I have been a smoker on and off now for about 25 years. I have tried prescription meds to help fight this war.

"I am usually riddled with guilt and to overcome this, I'll just light up again and think to myself," I'm going to quit for good sooner or later. Even through the entire public outcry explaining the dangers of smoking, it seems to fall on deaf ears.

"Like most addictions, Smoking is vastly misunderstood". The craving for nicotine and the other toxic chemicals is so strong that no matter what you try to do, it manages to grab hold. "There is this feeling you get from it that is comforting". Smokers know that in order to be satisfied, everything needs to begin or end with a cigarette. "Coffee and a smoke go hand in hand", "After dinner smoke", Shit, anytime, anywhere, it does not matter. "I once saw a guy on a train standing outside between the cars, in the rain and wind, having a smoke!"

"I thought to myself, man, this dude is crazy!", but then I took it back and looked at the power of addiction.

Am I like that guy? Yes. "I have found myself doing crazy things too, just to grab a smoke". The worst thing for a smoker is to run out of cigarettes. "Digging through a dirty ashtray to find a half smoked one, then straightening it out". "Asking complete strangers, hey, got a smoke, as if they are part of a smokers union".

The trouble with this all is that when you come right down to it, we as smokers are actually "supporting" our own battle. "Obviously, take away cigarettes and another vise is standing in the wings waiting to take stage".

Food plays a huge role in this. So here it is. Smoking actually suppresses hunger and speeds up metabolism.

"When a smoker stops smoking, usually the weight gain rapidly follows". My Doctor once told me, "don't worry, I'd rather you put on the extra pounds and get healthy". The war rages on.

I will go on my third tour of duty on this campaign. I am about to embark once again using a script from the doc called "c". The first time I took this stuff, it kicked the enemies' ass, and peace was restored smoke free for about 6 months. I then caved.  Next, with the same army, and weapons, I successfully took ground with another stretch that lasted another 6 months. I gave into the urge and started again.

The cycle starts over, this time, adding insult to injury, upset loved ones that gave support and put up with the bullshit you gave them while you were off the smokes. The guilt is then suppressed with another cigarette.

"For me there seems to be a moment amidst all of this, where I then gather the troops up and plan another assault against the enemy".

I will try again, this time I hope will have a better ending.

"Habit changing has to be one of the hardest things we deal with". A comfort zone needs to be in place.

A great support team and most important an understanding that it is OK to fall down as long as we are willing to get back up and move forward in our time. The measure of success comes daily, down to the minutes. Achieving several days smoke free will show rewards. "Stop smoking altogether and living healthier is truly a life changing event that only you have the control over and that cannot be denied".

A nice walk, A peaceful morning, A  bowl of rocky road ice cream.
A unexpected kiss The biggest littlest thing has to be the look of content on my girls face.

I'm always amazed through discovery. Learning something new about nature is a favorite.
Another thing that has amazed me is being in a complete relationship with someone

I like meeting people by accident. No plans, no special events, just meeting people caught
in their freeze frame of life can be the most interesting..

I once found something, and didn't realize it's true value right away.
A short time passed and it was only then it became clear to me this rare and beautiful find.
Soon I learned it had special powers. Healing and forgiving and nurturing the most common, but also very generous and giving. It became my will to cherish this gift find and
take care the best I could. Everything, even if done before, became a new and exciting experience for me. As time went on, everyone new about my prize.

This, I could report as being my really first sighting of personal growth.

Now sure, there are those out there that might say I just got lucky, but it goes much deeper
than that.
My feelings are of those shared by many and that is when your not looking, that is when you find what it is you are looking for... that is if you know what it is once found. Does this all sound a bit confusing? Things do have a way of showing themselves.

This could be anything right?
Turns out my rare find was love.